I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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