I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
