Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
