literally had 100 drinks last night.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
