my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
