I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Panties = found
Randomize
