im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
