he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
