we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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