Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
