listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
