Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Vodka?
Forever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
