I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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