someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
