He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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