It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
