You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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