Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
