You're my little dorito
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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