Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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