ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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