she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
