I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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