quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
