I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
