I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
