what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
