She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
