tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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