I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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