Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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