Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
