Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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