I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
