Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
