You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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