I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
