I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
