I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
should my penis look like a turkey
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
