dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
