Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
