Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
