The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
