She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
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A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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