he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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