Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
