What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
