she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize