4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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