talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
