my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
