This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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