They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
