the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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