i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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