My liver just broke up with me...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
