this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
