Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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