She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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