Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
