i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
