I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
