You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Congratulations! We have a period
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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