I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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